Joey Gazelle's "Trailer Trash"

COUNTERPOINT, COCK-KNOCKERS!

2007-02-01T13:29:00.000-08:00

So - I saw this trailer, and it was, like, bittersweet. You know? Because I remember when I was a college lad and i very badly wanted to see Christina Ricci topless. It seems a lifetime ago, really. She was cute as a Christmas present in 'Buffalo 66'. I wanted to span time with her. But then, she got all...lollipop on me...you feel me? Like she was all head (most of that forehead and bug eyes) with a white stick for a bod. I was concerned, man. She showed up on 'Ally McBullshit', and I found myself mentally incapable of caring less. Wrote her off.

So.

Then I watch this trailer for 'Black Snake Moan'. And it honestly takes me half of the trailer before I even realize it's Ricci. I thought it was, like, Marley Shelton or something, so conditioned was I to think that Ricci would never be close to unclothed for such an extended period. But fuck me - there she is - wearing a thrift store southern rock shirt and a pair of clean white panties. And a chain. And she's still skinny, but not creepily so. And she's got bangs covering the extensive real estate up top. Huh. Lookin' good.

And it seems the plot has to do with religious black gentleman Samuel Motherfucking Jackson teaching her the error of her promisuous wickedness by chaining her to his radiator and playing the blues. OK. That's cool. I feel like they could have had Billy Zane play someone; maybe the town deputy? Or a local rich man with whom Ricci has a history? Whatevs. There was a place for him. I gotta say - I'm cautiously optimistic. Director Craig Brewer successfully hoodwinked the white community into thinking his hip-hopspoitation drama 'Hustle and Flow' was inspirational when it was actually trashy fun. I'm concerned, however, that he's gonna fake ME out this time by hiding social signifigance in what looks to be otherwise thrashy fun. Fuck, man. We'll see. Just hope that Ricci delivers on the sexxxual promise implied in this trailer. I'll rent it.

Tommy "Gun" Gazelle

Black = BLACK, Snake = PENIS, Moan = ORGASM (A Two-Point Discussion)

2007-01-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

For those who would be so quick to write this one off as a subversive, reverse-psychological approach to award show pandering, let's review the plot one more time:

1. Samuel L. Jackson exists.

2. He is a religious, God-fearing man.

3. He can play the guitar.

4. He dislikes planes and quite possibly snakes.

THAT BEING ESTABLISHED...

5. One day, a southern gothic nymphomaniac siren (Christina Ricci) appears at his door, half naked, bloodied and clearly ravaged by lusting, greedy men for her supple, willing body.

6. Utilizing cold, clean, sterilized-as-the-OR-logic, Samuel L. Jackson deems it necessary to CHAIN THE GIRL TO HIS HOUSE.

7. He reasons such an action as the only way to CLEANSE HER OF HER "ITCH" and ultimately GET HER RIGHT WITH GOD with complete success.

7. Justin Timberlake co-stars (as does, by proxy, his dick in a box, which is exciting).

If this film is an Oscar-baited Trojan horse masquerading as a grimy, taboo B-movie, then it is bar none the strangest attempt at such in recent memory. The trailer and the story evoke the same imaginative spirit that propells A-list black sheep such as "Network" and "Three Kings" in terms of the sheer nerve required by a typically conservative, pucker-tight, bottom-line-towing major studio to release such a thing. Oh, and the title of the film? Yeah, they're talking about a large, dark penis and the carnal, bone-sifting orgasms that occur because of it. Groan if you will, I believe that I will instead elect to MOAN.

-Matt Kane Gazelle

Norbit

2006-10-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

In this day of of heightened social stress and global fear, more and more citizens of this fine country are showing signs of psychological fatigue. But, none of these stress disorders have had the horrific results and painful consequences of a recently discovered mental disease. The victims: middle aged black comedians. The symptoms: dissociative identity disorder, not funniness, and dressing up like woman ( commonly a giant black woman ). Martin Lawrence, Tyler Perry, Marlon and Shawn Wayans are just a few sorry individuals who have been stricken by this social plague. The most recent example of this horrible disease has been recorded extensively in a documentary called "Norbit" which explores the immense damage caused by Fat-Black-Woman-Suit-Itis. It features, possibly the most severe example of this disorder, Eddie Murphy. His crippling fear of the world can only be controlled by hiding inside a massive womb like fat suit in the shape of a large, large black woman. The sad decline for Eddie has been witnesses over the past decade in films like "The Klumps" and "The Nutty Professor", and it has now reached a point of no return. Our hearts and prayers are with you Eddie.

- Dr.Nacho Gazelle

Alpha Dog

2006-10-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

J-Tim may be built to bring the sexy back, but I wouldn't necessarily nominate him for bringing the "gangsta" back. I can't be the only one who watches this and wishes 50 CENT or THE GAME would show up and beat deez white boyz down. The kid from LORDS OF DOGTOWN has a skeevy Color Me Badd beard to show us how hard he is, but he ends up just kind of looking like Singer-Songwriter-Gay Dude George Michael circa "Faith". I mean, there are positives here. That cutie from BIG LOVE is playing Marco Polo. And Bruce Willis has a particularly bizarre and unflattering piece on (which usually means, "The paid me a lot to do this...what's this movie called?") And hey! Isn't that Nick "John's kid" Cassavetes in the director's chair!? Why yes it is! He's helmed critically acclaimed films, hasn't he? I guess. I wouldn't know. I don't watch them. He also directed THE NOTEBOOK, henceforth placing him in the "Pussy Hall of Fame" for all time. And you know what else Cassavetes did? He starred in late-night cable flicks like BODY OF INFLUENCE, which a young Tommy Gazelle saw on Cinemax when he was 16 or so at 3:00 am. Yo - whatever happened to Shannon Whirry!? Nick couldn't find a role for her in ALPHA DOG? I guess he's just too cool for old friends like Shan, Don "Patrick's Bro" Swayze, and Sandahl "Conan's love interest" Bergman now that he's a director. Cough *sellout* cough. So will ALPHA DOG be worth seeing? I highly doubt it. Movies about teen drug dealers always make me wish that Bronson or the Punisher would show up and regulate, especially when the dealers in question are pampered little bitches with bad facial hair. Fuck this. Also - no role for Billy Zane? They should listen to Billy Zane . He's a cool guy.

-Tommy Gazelle

Hot Fuzz

2006-10-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

As citizens of humanity, we are regularly treated to a fumbling kind of comedy that is completely unintentional. I'm talking about comedy that is born of someone or a group of someones trying to do something epic, powerful, socially resonant and lasting, only to fail spectacularly with an awesome kind of oblivious self-righteousness. Because it can be argued that we encounter this kind of comedy far more often than we do the other winning, well-earned kind, there is a genuine reason to celebrate when the promise of something genuinely funny is afoot. Enter 'Hot Fuzz:' Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright's studied spectacle of cops going completely apeshit at the slightest of provocations. This, like 'Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan' (see 1 post below), is one of those too-rare miracles. Funny intent = funny result. I've watched these about 10 times each today. We pray solemnly for locker room nudity and plain-view vomiting in the full length feature.

Hot Fuzz - TRAILER 01

Hot Fuzz - TRAILER 02

P.S.: I will also take special care to mention that the typography used for the film's title is wisely mimicing the hard-edged, gritty letterforms of 'Bad Boys II,' a picture which by itself, operates in a decidedly separate, much higher, echelon of comedy that borders on rapture by not only dismissing its alleged unintentional hilarity, but by forging forward headlong with machine guns, dismemberment, and necrophilia—all of it directed at the audience themselves, and whatever scruples and moral codes they may cling to in this gray and barren world. — Matt Gazelle

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

2006-10-16T15:32:00.000-07:00

Why is this trailer so good? It makes you ask questions. And not just any questions. Important questions. Here are the big ones:

1. Did he just do that?

2. Is he going to do that again?

3. Do we really live beneath the heavens of a merciful and loving God?

4. Is he saying “we should worry about bears," or is he saying “we should not ever be worrying about bears. Instead rejoice and ice cream."

This trailer is a flawless piece of art. I have nothing else to say.

— Matt Gazelle

Unaccompanied Minors

2006-10-16T10:08:00.002-07:00

Unaccompanied Minors.

Yo, I think i cracked the family Christmas movie code. Just grown men getting hit in the nuts. That's really it.

And the young actress in those pictures up there makes me want to never reproduce. She makes me dislike children. I pray to Crom that she doesn't grow up to be in more movies. Please Crom, I know you aren't listening... but please destroy her film career.

-Danny Gazelle.

300 Green-Screen Greeks

2006-10-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

WHOAH! They had CGI in Ancient Greece?! Gnarly! And it looks like Morpheus was in charge of training the Spartans, based on the Matrix-Like movements of these soldiers. I'm really happy for Gerard Butler that he gets to be tough after suffering through acting under that pussy Joel Schumacher (or, as I like to call him, SHIT-MAKER) in PHANTOM OF THE OPERA . Shee-it, homey - if I was him I would have signed on to THE 300 , too. "YO - I'll act in the first movie about WAR you can find me. My street cred is FUCKED after playing The Phantom. Find me something where I get to be HARD!" Plus, brother played Dracula and fought dragons in previous movies, two things that are undeniably boss.

Now - I read some of the comic book THE 300 was based on, and it was pretty cool, but I do recall many instances of full-frontal male nudity. If you share my overpowering fear of other men's cocks, this might frighten you away from the film, but I am confident that the moral guardians at the MPAA are poised to defend my eyes from the sight of naked, frolicking Greeks. Praise Zeus! Anyway - all told, this looks like it might be kind of awesome. I'm even willing to put aside the fact that Billy Zane is again missing in action. He could pass for Persian, no? The one unforgiveable sin this otherwise badass trailer commits is the fact that Dominic West is supposed to be in the movie, but is not shown once. Guys rocks the fuck out of THE WIRE! Give him some daps! Whatevs. People make weird decisions...

-Tommy Gazelle

The Last of the Mo-Neck-Punches!

2006-10-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

Is the white man pissing in your face? Is he raping your brother and taking a dump on your grandma? Well, there is only one thing you can do...you gotta adopt a white kid! That's right! Adopt one of them little white bitches, raise him up like one of your own, and sic him on the other white people. This works especially well if you are Native American and being invaded by demonic hordes of plundering Norsemen. Karl Urban is the new number one ass kicking Whiteman-Indian! He can karate chop Daniel Day-Lewis in the neck, bitch slap Dustin Hoffman, and pile drive Kevin Costner while blindfolded with all his limbs tied behind his back. But, can he defeat the massive armor clad Clancy Brown? Probs. Maybs. Def. Put down your D&D books, turn off Battlestar, and let's go find out! Pathfinder bitches!
-Nacho Gazelle

A Good Year…ON OPPOSITE DAY!

2006-10-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

Russell Crowe is forced to make a moral choice between making a boatload of cash as a stockbroker and banging his hardbodied, lusting employees or living out his days on a sprawling sun-drenched vineyard in Provonce and banging the hardbodied, lusting neighbor. In doing so, he comes to learn about hope, redemption, resonance and the moments that define who we are. Were that this feature were helmed by Tony Scott, I would have supreme confidence in its success. Crowe would defend his lands both at home and abroad by inserting plastic rectal explosives into the laborers on the competing vineyards while quoting scripture and the loud, distinct, plain spoken english would be reinforced with large, type-shifting subtitles (also in plain english) for graphic effect amidst Scott's newly-patented spinning steadicam which dispenses with that pussy-ass film stock and shoots on full-tilt LSD. Regrettably, this feature instead looks to be lensed by his well-respected brother Ridley, who is blindly insistent on tenderly caressing the academy's neck and solely presenting to us a story of hope, redemption, resonance and the moments that define who we are. A missed opportunity. For fans of horseshit and rheumatoid arthritis. — Matt Gazelle

The History Boys

2006-10-13T13:24:00.001-07:00

This movie looks like "Fat Poets Society". Hahah. It's like "Goodbye, Mr. Potato Chips". Hahah. I heard from someone who had to endure the play on Broadway that every character gets molested at some point. Verdict: We don't need no education.
-Danny Gazelle.

My First Wedding

2006-10-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

So Rachael Leigh Cooke, White America's Great Petite Winona Jr. from the turn of the Millenium, resurfaces to do...this? A lame-assed '4 Weddings and a Funeral' ripoff bullshit flick? Gag me with a spoon! Besides the obvious warning signs, the complete lack of Billy Zane (What - he couldn't play the Monsignor or something? FUCK!) spills it that this is gonna blow. Also - who wants to bet that Rachael Leigh never takes her top off in this one? Show of hands. Yeah. That's what I thought. Why couldn't she follow Anne Hathaway's lead and wil' out on some sexxxual gangsta shit!? Nah. Not interested, and neither are the rest of the Gazelles. We missed you Rachael - - why'd you have to give us blue balls upon your return!?

-Tommy Gazelle

Bobby

2006-10-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

Emilio Estevez feels he must apologize for 'Men at Work'. And divorcing Paula. And 'Wisdom.' And 'Freejack.' And 'D2: The Mighty Ducks.' And 'Another Stakeout.' Emilio Estevez is wrong. He fashions his grand apology by calling out for every last favor he can grasp within his Sheen-infused Hollywood grip, enlisting as many major and minor-yet-promising thespian guns all destined to compete for screen time and cancel out each other's performances like exponents. Elijah Wood and Lindsay Lohan play a couple in love. Perhaps this is a message that suggests containment and isolation. Billy Zane is nowhere to be seen. Failure. Emilio Estevez is wrong. Charlie Sheen has never apologized for anything. Why must Emilio? — Matt Gazelle

Deck The Halls

2006-10-11T14:27:00.001-07:00

"Deck The Halls"
Growing up as a Jewboy, I always hated Christmas movies. This is no exception. However Kristin Davis is always foxy and clean. And it's got an Arrested Development cast member. But look how tired and pissed Ferris Bueller appears. Why do family movies usually consist of Dads getting hurt? Do American children love seeing their fathers get emasculated? - Danny Gazelle