Black = BLACK, Snake = PENIS, Moan = ORGASM (A Two-Point Discussion)

For those who would be so quick to write this one off as a subversive, reverse-psychological approach to award show pandering, let's review the plot one more time:

1. Samuel L. Jackson exists.

2. He is a religious, God-fearing man.

3. He can play the guitar.

4. He dislikes planes and quite possibly snakes.

THAT BEING ESTABLISHED...

5. One day, a southern gothic nymphomaniac siren (Christina Ricci) appears at his door, half naked, bloodied and clearly ravaged by lusting, greedy men for her supple, willing body.

6. Utilizing cold, clean, sterilized-as-the-OR-logic, Samuel L. Jackson deems it necessary to CHAIN THE GIRL TO HIS HOUSE.

7. He reasons such an action as the only way to CLEANSE HER OF HER "ITCH" and ultimately GET HER RIGHT WITH GOD with complete success.

7. Justin Timberlake co-stars (as does, by proxy, his dick in a box, which is exciting).

If this film is an Oscar-baited Trojan horse masquerading as a grimy, taboo B-movie, then it is bar none the strangest attempt at such in recent memory. The trailer and the story evoke the same imaginative spirit that propells A-list black sheep such as "Network" and "Three Kings" in terms of the sheer nerve required by a typically conservative, pucker-tight, bottom-line-towing major studio to release such a thing. Oh, and the title of the film? Yeah, they're talking about a large, dark penis and the carnal, bone-sifting orgasms that occur because of it. Groan if you will, I believe that I will instead elect to MOAN.

-Matt Kane Gazelle