A Good Year…ON OPPOSITE DAY!

Russell Crowe is forced to make a moral choice between making a boatload of cash as a stockbroker and banging his hardbodied, lusting employees or living out his days on a sprawling sun-drenched vineyard in Provonce and banging the hardbodied, lusting neighbor. In doing so, he comes to learn about hope, redemption, resonance and the moments that define who we are. Were that this feature were helmed by Tony Scott, I would have supreme confidence in its success. Crowe would defend his lands both at home and abroad by inserting plastic rectal explosives into the laborers on the competing vineyards while quoting scripture and the loud, distinct, plain spoken english would be reinforced with large, type-shifting subtitles (also in plain english) for graphic effect amidst Scott's newly-patented spinning steadicam which dispenses with that pussy-ass film stock and shoots on full-tilt LSD. Regrettably, this feature instead looks to be lensed by his well-respected brother Ridley, who is blindly insistent on tenderly caressing the academy's neck and solely presenting to us a story of hope, redemption, resonance and the moments that define who we are. A missed opportunity. For fans of horseshit and rheumatoid arthritis. — Matt Gazelle