Alpha Dog

J-Tim may be built to bring the sexy back, but I wouldn't necessarily nominate him for bringing the "gangsta" back. I can't be the only one who watches this and wishes 50 CENT or THE GAME would show up and beat deez white boyz down. The kid from LORDS OF DOGTOWN has a skeevy Color Me Badd beard to show us how hard he is, but he ends up just kind of looking like Singer-Songwriter-Gay Dude George Michael circa "Faith". I mean, there are positives here. That cutie from BIG LOVE is playing Marco Polo. And Bruce Willis has a particularly bizarre and unflattering piece on (which usually means, "The paid me a lot to do this...what's this movie called?") And hey! Isn't that Nick "John's kid" Cassavetes in the director's chair!? Why yes it is! He's helmed critically acclaimed films, hasn't he? I guess. I wouldn't know. I don't watch them. He also directed THE NOTEBOOK, henceforth placing him in the "Pussy Hall of Fame" for all time. And you know what else Cassavetes did? He starred in late-night cable flicks like BODY OF INFLUENCE, which a young Tommy Gazelle saw on Cinemax when he was 16 or so at 3:00 am. Yo - whatever happened to Shannon Whirry!? Nick couldn't find a role for her in ALPHA DOG? I guess he's just too cool for old friends like Shan, Don "Patrick's Bro" Swayze, and Sandahl "Conan's love interest" Bergman now that he's a director. Cough *sellout* cough. So will ALPHA DOG be worth seeing? I highly doubt it. Movies about teen drug dealers always make me wish that Bronson or the Punisher would show up and regulate, especially when the dealers in question are pampered little bitches with bad facial hair. Fuck this. Also - no role for Billy Zane? They should listen to Billy Zane . He's a cool guy.

-Tommy Gazelle